We worship our babies for the first year or two — drenching them in affection, attention, and endless adoration. But then something shifts. Suddenly, we start pulling levers. “If you don’t behave, Santa won’t come.” “No dinner, no dessert.” “Stop crying or I’ll send you to your room.” It’s subtle. It’s everywhere. And we call it parenting. But what if we’re not parenting — we’re programming?
For generations, Western parenting has followed two patterns:
1. Love them big while they’re small and compliant, then begin controlling them as soon as they assert their will.
We label their natural development “terrible twos” and use tools of manipulation — rewards, punishments, withdrawal of love — to shape them into something more convenient.
2. We ignore our babies and make them starve for food and affection for 4 hours at a time, we deprive them of the breast, skin on skin connection. We are told not to pick them up too much, not to go to them when they cry. This shows them that they get love through being compliant and love feels sparse, fragile, conditional.
It mirrors cult dynamics.
Love-bomb.
Isolate.
Control.
Condition.
All while claiming it’s for their own good. But what if children don’t need to be controlled — just witnessed, guided, and trusted?
In my home, I’ve chosen a different path. One where love isn’t earned. Emotions aren’t punished. And boundaries are offered with presence, not power plays.
Don't get me wrong. I still try to control and manipulate at times and my kids feel it and call me out for it. I know when I do parenting that way, that it doesn't work and they disrespect me for it.
What works is mutual respect and listening.
We all want to be heard.
And none of us want to be told what to do or hear an opinion whenever we speak.
The power is in the presence.
And in honouring ourselves, our children and owning our shit and acknowledging it.
This leads the way for our children to do the same.
It creates a safe space for them to speak their truth.
This is how we break the cycle.
This is how we raise sovereign humans, not obedient adults still starving for unconditional love.